Parenting: A Guru's Story of Adoption

This past week I spoke to a co-worker of mine, James Nicoloro. He is nearly 80 years old, and I have known him for 3 years. I have heard stories about his daughters and his previous professions, but only in glimpses. Here is more behind the curtain. (Through this interview, I learned that my sister went to pre-school with James’s twins. It’s a small world).

Q: What was the greatest moment of your personal life?

A: We had just purchased second hand cribs for our twins, and my wife had just made a deal with Hallmark to do a 30 minute segment for our twins, and their adoption. Hallmark took care of expenses, so they paid for our trip and stay for our adoption. 9/11 delayed our trip by 3 weeks. We went to an airport in San Francisco, and no one was flying. It felt like we were the only ones in the airport. We stopped in Korea, and then Guangzhou in Southern China for the U.S. embassy. We unpacked and were staying in the White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou. On the first floor of the hotel there was a room that Mattel Toys donated for the adoption. We heard an announcement that said, the children are here and it was an emotional time. A women brought us the twins, and said you can tell them a part because of their haircut. Give me a break. They truly looked identical. We noticed the direction of their ears were different.

Q: How did the children adjust, and how old were they when you adopted them?

A: They were one years old, and they would stay up all night because they were on Chinese time-clocks. Kathleen and I would stay up all night with them, and it took them about 3 weeks to adjust to a sleep schedule. When we flew home, living in Larchmont Mamaroneck, our neighbor has a welcome home sign, and that was the story of the first adoption.We went on to adopt 2 more children in the same part of China. They are not very close, of course the twins are attached, but Mariel and Aliena (our other daughters) are closer to each other.

Q: How did the first adoption affect you and your wife differently?

A: Kathleen and I got married in 1980 in Westport, and she was a caring mother, still is. I was always working. I have been around the world interviewing people, and felt like Kathleen never understood my work schedule-she felt like I wasn’t home enough. She is an actress, actually starred in the Young and the Restless. She has always been supportive, but divorced in 2015. She’s a good person and good mother, but she’s very insecure. Her father went to Yale at 12, so I always felt like she has read off a score, but I am more “jazz”. We got divorce, and we filed for bankruptcy at the same time, because of the adoption fees and bills that just grew over time.

Q: How did the twins adjust as they grew up?

A: Actually, Juliet and Leah, they are my little girls, but now known as Lee and Jules. They are still going through their transition as boys, but they are just my children, I don’t love them any differently. Kathleen came up to me one day, and said they want to transition. They talk to each other differently than they talk to me, so I really wonder how they decided to transition to boys together. I will never know-Kathleen isn’t emotionally or intellectually caught up, but she is supportive. Sometimes, she will still call me: asking, do you think they will want to be girls again?

I know the answer to that. I remember we were at at a diner and the waiter came up to us and asked, what do you boys want to eat? And this was the first time, I realized it was real.

Q: What has been the hardest part of being a parent?

A: The hardest moment as a parent was when one of my daughter tried to commit suicide. Aliena (my daughter) who is deaf, is doing very well now. She is talented. But when you’re adopted, every kid goes through weeks of trauma. Every one of my children has gone through this.

Aliena was deaf from birth. We had to adopt her outside Beijing, because the family had just moved her to a school there. Kathleen had known she was thinking about suicide because of the things she had said. She wouldn’t come out of the downstairs bathroom, so I kept knocking on the door, knocking and knocking. So I took the key that’s used to unlock the door, and when I opened the door I saw her trying to bring a knife into her body. I grabbed her and the knife when the knife shattered. I called Kathleen and she called the police. Aliena was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for over a month. She is now a junior at a deaf school in Washington D.C. where she’s a residential advisor. I miss her, but she won’t come home for thanksgiving because she wants to stay with her friends.

A: Thank you for your time. I have enjoyed hearing your story. It reminds me that everyone has a story to tell, so I appreciate you sharing yours.